Stuff My Girlfriend Yells

My girlfriend is an intelligent, beautiful, determined woman and my best friend. She is the most principled person I know.

This blog is an attempt to chronicle the ridiculousness that spews from her mouth daily.

Thanks for visiting,
- the bf

New! Ask her a question

Mar 10 ’10
“To ‘agree to disagree’ just means you are an asstard and I’m tired of yelling at you.”
My girlfriend on diplomacy.

Mar 9 ’10

Anonymous asked: Dear GF,

Your many eloquent yells must surely take a toll on your throat. How do you keep your larynx in shape in order to achieve the most optimum yell?

Cheers,
Inquisitive in Islington

Dear I-in-I,

I find that balance is the key to all things in life, and that includes expressing rage. In my yelling experience, I find that the trick is actually to only yell your first thought. Get ‘em hooked and state your case. So the pressure’s on a bit to make sure your first yell is all-commanding. A bit like Cobra Commander, but without the the reptiles and asswipe GI Joe.

Once you’ve cut through the garbage with your yell, proceed in a scary rageful hiss. The thinking is dual:

  1. This will give your throat a chance to rest, building up to a thundering crescendo for your yelling finale
  2. People will think you really mean fucking business when you express pure rage with a terrifying whisper

Don’t forget - yelling is more of a state of mind than anything else. There are those that can be loud, but can never truly bring it.

Yours in Throaty Health,

Yelling GF

Mar 9 ’10
“John McCain deserves to burn in hell for unleashing this Alaskan crazifest on the world.”
My girlfriend on Sarah Palin.

1 note

Mar 1 ’10
“What’s wrong with that girl?? Oh. She’s blind.”
My girlfriend comments on a Q.I. contestant, recognizing her mistake shortly thereafter.

Mar 1 ’10
“Violence is not the answer, but it is AN answer. And when nobody is listening, you’ll do anything to be heard. Maybe if you were listening I wouldn’t have to scream - WITH MY GUN!”
My girlfriend on why “you can’t be committed to non-violence during the most violent time in history”

1 note

Feb 28 ’10
“I only speak the truth…a form of truth…I speak in truthful lies.”
My girlfriend on propaganda.

Feb 16 ’10
“God! Why didn’t I think of doing this?! I can rant for days about the English.”
My girlfriend on our recent discovery of this gem of a site: http://englishpeoplelike.com/

Feb 4 ’10
“Don’t try to out yell a yeller, or I’ll old yeller you.”
My girlfriend dishes out a threat.

Jan 31 ’10
“DOO doo doo doo. DOO doo doo doo…. Doo do-doo dooOOO do-doooOOO. Slanket!”
My girlfriend, while I was researching the differences between Snuggies and Slankets, starts singing to the tune of the “Charge!” song you might hear at baseball games or hockey matches.

Jan 29 ’10

Anonymous asked: Dear GF,
I love your yelling. It speaks what I can't. But tell me, why do you yell? How do you yell? Where did/does the yell come from? What is the yell? How can you promise me you'll never stop yellage?
Wounds Lanced in Lansing, MI

Dear Wounds,

Thanks for bleedin’ on down this way. My yelling speaks for many, nay, ALL. Why do I yell? Sheeeet, the real question is, why don’t YOU yell. YOU CAN DO IT, FRIEND! My yelling comes from an unhealthy combination of disgust/exasperation/rage at the state of stupid in our world. That’s stoopid, with two “oo”s. It is sprinkled with a dash of indignation by the fact that NO ONE ELSE IS YELLING. It only makes me yell LOUDER. 

I yell with a strong voice, either fired at the television or while giving cock-eye to my fellow man. Always with some sort of finger gesture. It helps to direct anger. I suggest you try this technique at home first. Legend has it that I sprang from the womb a-yelling and it never stopped. As long as there are fucking morons in the world, I promise the yelling will not cease. 

Keep it loud, Yelling GF