Stuff My Girlfriend Yells

Anonymous asked: Dear GF,
I love your yelling. It speaks what I can't. But tell me, why do you yell? How do you yell? Where did/does the yell come from? What is the yell? How can you promise me you'll never stop yellage?
Wounds Lanced in Lansing, MI

Dear Wounds,

Thanks for bleedin’ on down this way. My yelling speaks for many, nay, ALL. Why do I yell? Sheeeet, the real question is, why don’t YOU yell. YOU CAN DO IT, FRIEND! My yelling comes from an unhealthy combination of disgust/exasperation/rage at the state of stupid in our world. That’s stoopid, with two “oo”s. It is sprinkled with a dash of indignation by the fact that NO ONE ELSE IS YELLING. It only makes me yell LOUDER. 

I yell with a strong voice, either fired at the television or while giving cock-eye to my fellow man. Always with some sort of finger gesture. It helps to direct anger. I suggest you try this technique at home first. Legend has it that I sprang from the womb a-yelling and it never stopped. As long as there are fucking morons in the world, I promise the yelling will not cease. 

Keep it loud, Yelling GF

Anonymous asked: Dear Yelling GF,
I've been dating this girl for some time now, and most everything is pretty great, except.... She has always been very tender, but one the third time we had sex, she grabbed me by the throat and and choked the shit out of me. She can't get off without me passing out but didn't want to tell me earlier for risk of scaring me. I went along at first but now I freaked and she says me choking her is abuse. Is this unfair? I'm not sexually experienced so I don't know if this is normal. Please help.
Gasping in Guernsey

Dear Gasping,

You’re gonna do a lot more gasping — for pussy — unless we figure this shit out. So you’re inexperienced. Here’s a tip: there’s some crazy bitches out there and crazy bitches like crazy bitch things in bed. This isn’t a problem, if you’re up for it. So you’ve got to decide: do you want normal bitch or do you want crazy bitch?

Now, choking is not that is not that uncommon under the crazy bitch umbrella of requests. It’s not like she’s asking you to fuck while the dog watches. She wants to choke you. You okay with it? Good, fine, it’s not abuse. NOT okay with it? You tell that bitch to fuck off.

You want to choke HER all of a sudden — what’s that all about? If you spring this shit on her and she’s all up for it, then go crazy with your buck wild choking. But if she’s not okay with it, you’ll have to find yourself an even CRAZIER bitch.

Moral of this story? It’s only abuse if the other person isn’t going to come from it.